Dear Andy, after our lengthy conversations, I have decided that you will serve as my personal living toilet during my vacation. I’m tired of giving my waste to that cold, unfeeling porcelain toilet, and I believe you’re ready to take on this role. I expect you to be here by the end of the week.
Your duties will include drinking my urine, cleaning my dirty bottom with your tongue, and consuming my feces. Welcome, my new toilet bowl – from now on, you will no longer be known by your previous name. Open your mouth, for it’s time for me to relieve myself. This is your first taste of my smelly chocolate treat. Good job, take it all in and swallow without chewing.
It seems you haven’t had enough yet, but don’t worry, there will be more to come. Enjoy the aftertaste of my feces and wait for my return.
Wake up, toilet bowl – I know it’s night, but I promised I would come back. Open your mouth faster, I’m going to relieve myself in it. Eat, get used to consuming my feces day and night, at any given moment. You’re doing well for the first day, so I think I’ll leave you here for the entire vacation, which is more than a month.
Congratulations, you are now officially my toilet bowl and shit-eater. Enjoy your new purpose.